Facials

Indulge yourself!  You have to live in your skin every day, so why not splurge on making it look as good as possible?  Well, sure, only a few basic treatments are proven to work.  But why spend $100 on a treatment that clears your pores, when you could spend $420 to have someone stick a rock on your head?  I mean, if the spa says the topaz will "balance your energy field" who are the scientists to say otherwise?  Besides, the facial is designed "remind your skin of its cellular wisdom".  Not the regular wisdom retained by a mind composed of firing neurons, but the kind that, um, mitochondria have? Who knows, maybe there are tiny little brains inside your skin cells that all those fancy "scientists" just haven't found out about.

But don't ask for any proof that this stuff works, or clinical trials.  You should just trust the people asking you for $420.  I mean, why would they lie?

But really, while you're there, you should really invest in the $990 "Spa Sapphire Transformation."  I mean, "your soul will be transformed." Your soul!  I dare you to prove otherwise, which might be a challenge seeing that we have never proven a soul exists.

Best of all, you get to indulge in all this luxury on the continent of Africa.  After all, what else is there to do in Tasmania.  I mean, they have some animals and trees and stuff, but you didn't fly a thousand miles to see gorillas and tigers.  You did it so someone could put a stone on your head. And sure, that money could buy a few hundred children badly needed shoes, but isn't it better to set an example on how to treat yourself right?

But if you can't get to Africa, don't fret! There are plenty of unproven, luxurious-sounding hoaxes treatments to be had right where you live.  You can have fish eggs smeared on your face for a mere $1000 at the Ritz Carlton in New York or have it done in San Francisco for a mere $750.  Or head on down to Palm Beach to have your face smeared in metal for $550.

Can't get to these cities?  Don't fret!  In any major city I am sure you can find a fancy spa to blow oxygen on your face for around $200.  Of course, oxygen facials have zero evidence to indicate they improve skin.  Well, we use anti-oxygen creams for a reason - some forms of oxygen release free radicals that damage skin. But if you're buying, they're selling.

Stay tuned for updates on other useless facial ingredients.  We have seaweed!  We have tourmaline!  We have bird poop!  And we even have faux semen! Don't miss it.